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by Peter Moskos

May 21, 2008

Police Units

I gotta say, many of these don't really ring true to me. But some of them do. No matter, I still find them amusing. A friend sent them to me. It's out there on the web. If anybody knows the source (or can think of more), let me know.

Narcotics units:

Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
Buy a biker wallet with a big chain. Get numerous tats.
Make every case involve overtime $$$.
Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime.
Learn to play golf drunk.

SWAT units:

Wear team T-shirts that are 2 sizes too small, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
Try to fit the word "breach" in to every conversation.
Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
Have 3 knives concealed about your person at any given time.
Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod, and flex your biceps at any opportunity.
Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
Learn to play golf wearing a gun.


Community Service units:

Hate SWAT.
Work to make everybody love you.
Paint your office in pastel colors.
Think Feng Shui.
Subscribe to Psychology Today.
Learn to play miniature golf.

School Resource Officers:

Starbucks before work, show up on campus at 0800 hrs.
Knows every coffee pot location on campus.
Sits behind his desk pretending to work, but really surfing the net.
Really hates kids but loves the hours.
Only talks to the cute teachers.
Only works at night when there is a football game.
Drives a golf cart all day on campus.

Traffic units:

Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your T-stops.
Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.

Administrative Units:

Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting".
Always carry a manila folder with you, so it looks like you are working, even if it is empty.
Upgrade department cell phone every month.
Tell everybody you have been published in a national law enforcement magazine.
Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
Golf Rules! Play lots of golf, especially with the "higher ups."

Patrol Units:

Have nerves of steel.
In a terminal state of heartburn from department politics.
Inability to keep mouth shut.
Has defining tastes in alcohol.
Is respected by peers.
Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.

Investigators:

Come in at 0800.
"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030.
Work from 1030 to Noon.
Work out and Lunch to 1400.
1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know.
Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.

Patrol Sergeant:

Remembers very well "how we used to do it."
Always willing to tell his officers the above.
Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.
Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."

Trainee:

Unable to grow facial hair.
Watches every episode of Cops.
Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.
Wears black leather gloves at all times.
Arrives for work three hours early.
Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.

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